Amy Schumer, Regina Hall and Wanda Sykes Full Oscar Monologue


Here’s what Hall, Schumer, and Sykes had to say in the opening monologue.

Regina Hall: Here we are at Oscar.

Wanda Sykes: True. The place where moviegoers gather and watch TV.

Amy Schumer: This year the academy hired three women to host because it was cheaper than hiring a man.

Living room: But I’m excited to host representing Black women who still stand proud.

Sykes: Yes, and living out loud.

Schumer: Yeah yeah. And I represent the unbearable white women who call the police when your voice gets a little too loud.

Living room: As you know, we have been dealing with Covid for two years. It’s been really hard for people.

Schumer: Yup. So, take a look at Timothée Chalamet.

Sykes: Oh my God. What happened?

Schumer: I do not know. This is not good. This is not good.

Living room: Do you know? I would still break it.

Schumer: As many of you know, it has been decided that some behind-the-scenes awards will be given within the first hour.

Sykes: It was a controversial and difficult decision but you know, I think we moved on. [Lights flicker.]

Living room: A minute.

Sykes: Look, we’re all unions.

Schumer: This is not our decision.

Sykes: You know, there were so many surprises this year. Rachel Zegler for “West Side Story.” For “Respect” Jennifer Hudson. Lady Gaga and Jared Leto for “House of Random Accents”.

Schumer: This is somewhat sad; Do you know what’s included in the In Memoriam package this year? Golden globe. They had no blacks. There were no black members. They had to go.

Living room: You know, I’m very disappointed that “Space Jam” 2 wasn’t nominated in the special effects category for the hairline they gave LeBron James.

Sykes: Oh my god, it’s great.

Living room: It was really good. It was really good.

Sykes: Black Twitter will love it.

Living room: I think so too.

Schumer: Yes, what is this?

Hall and Sykes: No no, not for you, not for you.

Schumer: OK, I’ll stay away.

Living room: You know, this year we saw a frightening example of how toxic masculinity turns into brutality against women and children.

Sykes: Damn it, Mitch McConnell.

Living room: I know. I know. But you know, I was actually talking about “The Power of the Dog”.

Sykes: Oh yes. You know, I watched that movie three times and I’m halfway through.

Schumer: You are on the best part. The best.

Living room: One more week and you’re there.

Sykes: stay with him.

Schumer: stay with him.

Living room: You know, Samuel L. Jackson is here. Yes there. He received the Governor’s Award for his lifetime work.

Sykes: Eh!

Schumer: Did you just “eh” Samuel L. Jackson?

Sykes: So, I love it. You know, he’s my man. But I’ll be honest, there are a few gaps in your resume. No really. Where’s the Sam Jackson romantic comedy? Like where Sam Jackson and Jennifer Lewis were in “When This Mo-fo Met That Mo-fo” or its sequel, “Bitch, I love you.”

Schumer: she likes it. She likes it. [Looking at Jackson.]

Living room: And where is the musical? “Rent”! I Said “Ho, Where’s My Kira”!

Schumer: I would post this. I would publish.

Sykes: All right, we’re going to have a great night tonight. And we’re going to have a gay night out for you guys in Florida.

Together: Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.

Sykes: Your Oscar presenters. I am Wanda Sykes.

Schumer: I’m Amy Schumer.

Living room: And I am alone.

Sykes: Oh boy.

Schumer: Regina, I mean, this is not the time. And give it up for the unique D-Nice, providing the soundtrack for the next hour.

Together: Everyone welcome to Oscar!

Nancy Coleman and Mayan Salute contributing reporting.



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