My stepfather has Alzheimer’s. Can My Mom Date Someone Else?

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When I was a kid, my parents got into big fights about some of the books my dad stole from the fabulous library of the university he studied at GI Bill. It was the 10-volume Harper’s Bazaar from the 19th century. Growing up, I studied them all and found them fascinating. My father died when I was 20, so I finally came up with the idea of ​​returning the books to my mother. He did his mouthful thing and said, “I’ll think about it,” which is the standard way of not messing with anything. I’ve tried talking to him about it a few times over the years, and I realized he was afraid it would reflect badly on him because he hadn’t convinced him not to keep it.

My mother died four years ago and I told my sister I wanted to give the skins back. He lives in my mother’s house and physically controls them. He insists that my father said they were awarded an award for an essay he wrote. I have no doubt that my father told him this, but he will not understand that it is a lie. I explained to him that the volumes are not in order, which makes no sense for such an award. I told him about my memories of my parents fighting over this, and he refuses to believe me.

I feel a lot of guilt that these books that could help someone’s scientific research just sit on a shelf. I don’t know if I should do something or just let it go. Name Hidden

theft shared property—a category that includes library books—is particularly unfortunate. It could leave an entire society worse off. So I understand your guilt. It must also be frustrating for your sister to refuse to face the strange truth and resist your proper urge to get these things back where they belong. Here’s a lesson in the human tendency to align what we think is right with what we want to be true. We can stop replacing a fascinating story about an award-winning article with a fascinating one about library theft. Our precious lies will not succumb to new evidence; we fasten them with hard caps.

Still, you can find some reassurance that the full issue of this journal is available digitally in many libraries, almost certainly including the library you mentioned. (I looked at the first issue that appeared on the library website of the university where I taught in 1867. It describes itself as a “store of fashion, pleasure, and education”—like my classroom when it’s full of students.) And scientists who need access to the original pages may find physical copies in storage somewhere. Another strange fact: Libraries often choose affiliate periodicals like this one to exclude from access, a process sometimes resulting in their destruction. You can’t be sure that the library will even accept returns.


Kwame Anthony Appiah He teaches philosophy at NYU. His books include “Cosmopolitanism,” “The Honor Code,” and “The Lies That Bind: Rethinking Identity.” To submit an inquiry: send an email to ethicist@nytimes.com; or mail The Ethicist, The New York Times Magazine, 620 Eighth Avenue, New York, NY 10018. (Include a daytime phone number.)

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